I’m struggling with some faith, ya’ll. If you haven’t been keeping up with me and this stressful twin pregnancy – you can read it all here: Twin Update: 29 Weeks
My struggle is between faith and my half-butt medical knowledge from college. Part of me says “God will handle it” and the other part equates that, with the information I KNOW my babies aren’t being monitored properly as “let me just stick my fingers in this light socket – I know its bad for me and I know what can/will happen but I have faith God will take care of me”. Its like this dilemma between faith and not trusting my instincts. But, maybe (probably) my instincts are God.
So then it hit me – what if my prayers are being answered, just not the way I wanted.
“God, please take care of these babies. Please let them grow strong and come out healthy. Please keep them safe.”
And at that I leave it to faith. Then more… not so good news about the babies. And more tears from me and more of me having to advocate and push like crazy to get these babies the monitoring and care they need.
The answer I was looking for was “Yep, babies look great! Both are growing perfectly, everything is textbook amazing twin pregnancy” but the answer I got today was “Baby A has only gained 3oz in 3 weeks, where baby B has gained 1 lb 3 oz in 3 weeks. Baby A is now only in the 6th percentile for weight (was 35th 3 weeks ago)”.
And while I was tossing and turning for a cry session while my bigger kids napped it hit me – God is answering me. Just not the answer I wanted. He’s answering that yes – I am right for being a crazy maniac advocating for these babies. Yes – I am right to insist on extra monitoring. Yes – I need to trust my instincts. Yes – He gave me the knowledge of a great college education that is now paying off by being able to read up and research how these babies should be monitored.
It really takes me back to a time when someone I knew had a devastating situation with her 20 week-ish baby in the womb. I remember this amazingly faithful woman telling me that she wasn’t praying for a miracle. She wasn’t praying that the baby would miraculously be healed. She prayed to God that He, in his infinite wisdom and omnisciency, would take care of that baby. Even if that meant taking him to Heaven instead of letting him suffer on earth. Next ultrasound – instead of going in hopeful that the issues had resolved, they went in with faith in our omniscient God and they found the baby had gone to Heaven.
Devastating. Heartbreaking. Horrible – but God did answer her prayer. He let her know that the sweet little baby is better off in heaven than the fate that awaited him outside of her loving, safe womb. She found peace in that. She still grieves, I’m sure she will every day in her life. But her strength and faith amazed me.
God is answering me. Maybe my babies, sooner rather than later, will be better off in the care of NICU nurses than they are in my womb. Maybe that is what God has planned for us. Maybe He is answering my “please let her gain some weight and thrive” pleas with “There is more going on here, you have sensed this for a while and you need to recognize that soon she will be better off outside and thriving with intervention than sharing a blood supply with her sister in your womb.”
So with that I’m going to share a prayer I’ve come up with in regards to these situations. When you need to rely on faith but also on God’s guidance.
In your infinite wisdom – you know the outcome of our situation. You know what could happen you know what you will to happen. Please let me be faithful and open enough to hear your voice and know when you are answering me – even if it is not the answer I wish to receive or the answer I thought I would receive. Thy will be done, because you know all potential outcomes of this situation and you know what ultimately will be best for all of our souls.
Mother Mary, please bring my situation to the feet of Jesus. That He may answer my prayers in the best way He sees fit – not necessarily in the way I wish for the prayer to be answered. I have faith that He knows what is best for me.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen